As I was sitting on my porch other night enjoying an after dinner drink and an after dinner dessert cigarette, I listened to the sound of rain falling on our tin roof. Then I heard a scratching noise coming from the fireplace. I turn and look and slowly but surely, a RACCOON pops its head right where the fireplace meets the beams.
The bastard looks at me like… “Sup. Whatcha doing on my porch?”
I ran in to the house so fast screaming… “THERE’S A RACCOON ON THE PORCH!”
Travisimo says, “No way!”
My thought…
“UMMM… YES WAY! WHY WOULD I MAKE THAT UP?”
He grabs a golf club and puts shoes on and walks outside. He starts banging the fireplace and making noises so that the disgusting animal would come out!
My thought…
“WHY WOULD YOU WANT IT TO COME OUT? HERE’S AN IDEA… KILL IT!”
Trav comes back in and say… “I guess you will just have to wait to see if it leaves.”
My thought…
“YOU WANT ME TO WAIT OUT HERE? IN THE DARK, FOR WHAT COULD BE A RABID ANIMAL TO COME OUT? HERE’S AN IDEA… KILL IT!”
So, finally I decided to take action in to my own hands.
I grabbed the Maglight flashlight—good to have to see and to beat the shit out of raccoons. I also asked for the 22 rifle and the sub sonic rounds so it wouldn’t be so loud when the gun is fired.
I was serious. I was going to shoot this raccoon. I asked Trav, “If I shoot it, will you clean it up?”
He said, “Sure.”
My thought…
“SO… ALL I HAVE TO DO IS KILL SOMETHING AND HE WILL CLEAN… HOW CAN I MAKE THIS WORK WITH HOUSEHOLD DUTIES?”
I sat and waited. It was like a mini hunt/ stakeout.
Finally, the bastard made a move… I started screaming!!! “THERE IT IS!!!!”
And then I scared it back in to the hole.
Then it popped its head out again… and then--- ANOTHER RACCOON showed up!!
WTF!!! Seriously!? I MEAN, two?
My thought…
“HOLY SHIT- WHAT IF THAT IS A FEMALE… AND THAT ONE IS A MALE AND THEY JUST DID IT AND ARE MAKING A NEST TO HAVE BABY RACCOONS--- CUTE BUT MAY BECOME TOO ATTACHED TO ITS HOME...?”
That was it… these things were going to die. They had to. There is no choice.
It is their destiny to die. You walk up on the Arnett porch… my PORCH- My safe haven… you will pay the price. TRESPASSING = DEATH BY GUNSHOOT.
When they showed their ugly faces again… I grabbed the gun, but I froze…
All I wanted was for them to leave and do it somewhere else. So, instead of shooting them… I just yelled… “YEAH--- THAT IS RIGHT… GET OUT OF HERE YOU GROSS FURRY POSSIBLE RABID AND FLEA INFESTED ANIMAL!”
One of them looked back at me--- and at this point I could read his body language and beaty eyes--- He pretty much told me to EF off and that he would be back.
I should have killed them what I had the chance.
** A day later, I am still afraid to go on my porch. FML.**
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